Stay-at-home feminism

Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering. - Elaine Heffner

It seems I'm making two "serious" posts in a row here. Sorry. I don't plan on making this THAT kind of blog. But I've been thinking about how my role will be changing, and it's brought up some things that I haven’t put a lot of thought into until now.

Women's Work
My mom has always told me that one of the best decisions I could ever make is to "stay home with the kids". (That's her in the photo. Cute eh?) She did it, and it wasn't easy. We were on the WIC program (Women Infants and Children) and lived on my dad's Christian School teacher salary. At one point he worked three jobs to get us through. I know, waah waah, but I bet it sucked. I guess they decided it was worth it.

Like I said before, Jono and I want to do whatever we can to have one of us stay home with them when they're little, and do all of the other work that will need to be done. Since we've decided that person will be me, sometimes I feel like I'll become that traditional "housewife", cooking, cleaning and child-rearing. The thought of it seems kind of anti-feminist. Like maybe I'm throwing away what women fought for for so long.

A couple of different ideas are helping me get over this feeling. Back in college, my friend Suzanna said something about that once that stayed with me. "I'm all for feminism," she said, "as long as domestic work isn't seen as 'less than' other work." She thought it was ridiculous that some feminists can't stand the thought of doing traditionally "female tasks" that have been done by our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers for generations.

I think I know where that comes from, and it's not the nature of the cooking/cleaning tasks. Here's an example: at family gatherings when the women cook and clean up in the kitchen while the men eat and then sit, I don't like the feeling it gives me. I don't think it's the fact that the women are doing a particular type of work that bothers me, but the fact that they do it all. It's not the men who are at fault so much as the women in my view, who simply take on the tasks with no expectation of help. This forms habits in other people that cause the cycle to continue. (I'll admit that when I think my mom will take care of everything I usually end up on the couch with everyone else.)

Getting Over It
I think women are too quick to be "martyrs" -- they give too much until they're stretched too thin, and then nobody's happy. It's that old nurture hormone we have running through our veins; some more than others. I know this doesn't just apply to women since I'm married to someone who can't sit down, and neither can his dad. So I'm not implying men are intrinsically lazy in the home because that hasn't been my experience. I've just seen it happen in other households and I've seen the cycles and frustration it creates.

The point is, I guess, that "women's work" is just as important as what has traditionally been "men's work". The difference today is that now the two are interchangeable, which I think is true progress. If you're a feminist, I think it makes more sense not to hold one above the other. Let's just help each other do each other's work and get over it.

We've Finally Made It
But back to people, their careers and the desire to "make it" on a certain level before you can get on with life and enjoy yourself (whether that be raising your family or something else)...Just getting the work of life done has been enough for almost everyone the world over since the beginning of time, not just women. Why are we so different? It doesn't mean we can't be intellectual or make good music or whatever else we feel like investing ourselves in.

After being in the workforce for a few years, I need to stop measuring success by how much money a certain activity can make for me, or what sort of status it affords me. It's important, but it doesn't mean everything. And having that attitude doesn't make me less "driven" or less successful. By working at home I'm choosing not to be driven by certain things and to redefine my priorities.

If anyone wants to leave comments about their experience with the costs/benefits of having a career vs. staying home with kids, I'd love to read them :)

For sale

Our little house on 135 Lowell is up for sale. It's really cute and we've made a lot of nice improvements to it. Thanks to Jono's puttering, the yard and landscaping are immaculate.

Understandably we've had a lot of people ask why we're moving. The truth is we'd rather not have to. Some assume that since we've got a bun in the oven we want more space, but this isn't the case - I hope our next place is the same size or smaller. We're moving because I won't be working as much after November and we want to keep our monthly bills as low as possible. We're making some pretty big changes to be able to do this. Because of how bad the economy is here in Michigan, there are a lot of foreclosed homes in Grand Rapids. Jono happens to be handy, so we'd like to get our hands on one of those, cut our mortgage payment in half, and fix it up.

So yes, I'm becoming what they call a housewife. It sounds like a joke, but it's true. It's no longer a "given" that people stay home with their kids, so here's why we've decided that one of us will. It's not just that we don't want to deal with daycare - I’ve heard working moms say they think daycare is good for their kids because of the social interaction, and that’s probably true in many cases. We want to enjoy being parents without feeling like both of us are stretched too thin. On top of that we want to save money, stay healthy, and be easy on the environment by having a garden, cooking from scratch and using cloth diapers. All of this will take time that we wouldn't have if we both worked full-time elsewhere. We want one or both of us to be with our children as often as possible when they’re small, because it isn’t going to last very long. I have the rest of my life to have a career but only a few years to have little kids.

Like many women, I plan on working full time up until my due date, or beyond if the baby is late. Sometimes I feel guilty about the fact that I'll be taking care of our baby at home while Jono goes out to work. I realize this used to be a completely normal thing for a woman to do. My grandma never had a job off of the farm. She raised her kids and her chickens; de-tassled the corn and walked the beans. She was happy as she could be, and nothing else was expected of her.

Since then women have been "liberated". We go to college, we vote, and we have jobs outside the home, often with benefits. But sometimes I wonder how liberated we and our families really are when the cost of living and cultural pressure to have more materially makes many families feel as if they need to send both parents off to work full-time, even when they have small children, and even if it isn't what they really want.

(It's also true that some families have no choice, especially in single-parent households. Others make a decision to work because they feel they'll go stir-crazy at home with kids all day, which is understandable.)

I'll still get my brain exercise in 15 hours a week at least -- I’ll be putting in some hours from home writing and doing design work for my current job. I know it's important to hang on to that other side of you so that you have something to go back to when your family is more independent. That's what's great about the time we live in. If you can somehow skirt the financial pressure to work full-time all the time, you can manage to raise your kids at home and have a career, before and after the kids.

So all of that said, I'm trying not to feel guilty about our changing roles. I'm not taking "time off work", because I have a feeling I'll be at least twice as busy as I am now doing a job that's twice as hard once I'm a mother. But as Jono pointed out to me the other day, "Em, just admit it - it will be nice." Okay, fine. It will then. I'm ready for it.

For those of you who are wondering, Jono would love to be a stay-at-home dad. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to worry about benefits packages and each parent could work part-time and stay home part-time? Maybe if we get universal health care soon :)

The United States is the only industrialized nation that doesn't guarantee paid maternity leave.
- The Project on Global Working Families

Dog does not come with house. (People have asked.)

P.S. Notice sly look.

16 weeks. That's four months.

Now there's no mistaking my little condition. I can't believe it's been four months already -- in a few weeks I'll be halfway!

Pretty soon I won't be able to get myself into the camera's viewfinder. You'll be stuck looking at my arm and a quarter of my tummy. So enjoy these more comprehensive shots while they last.

It's interesting the comments one starts to get as one's body shape changes. One guy I know asked, "Did you get yourself into some trouble young lady?" Um, yeah, but I'm not sure what kind yet. Another guy told me my cheeks were getting chubbier. I wasn't sure if he was trying to flatter me or not. He also asked if "Good Time Charlie" was happy about it. I guess that's Jono. He's more than happy, thanks for asking ;)

Speaking of cheeks...

I bet his mama's thinking, "Ah yes, things are really starting to shape up here. Just keep eating honey-buns...that's right...stuff that little face of yours."

The forecast

Everyone close to us knows that Geertsmas love chubby babies. Extra points are given for big cheeks, double (or triple) chins, leg rolls, and fat bracelets. I'm sure this is true of other families as well. SO. I've put together some probability and statistics for Baby Klooster.

JONO. Cheek Forecast: Delectable

As a baby, Jono was blessed with some of the most edible cheeks I've ever seen. Notice the double chin in this pic (bonus). Jono's cheeks were like two little pillows flanking his face. They were explosive, extending straight out from his face instead of hanging down.













EMILY. Cheek Forecast: Delish
My cheeks weren't bad either. Though not as pillow-like as Jono's, they were still ideal. Rather than extending from my face, they pretty much hung there like over-ripe grapes.















GRANT. Cheek forecast: YES.
I include my youngest brother Grant in this entry (at center) because he had the best Geertsma cheeks ever. In many of the photos taken around this time he can't even smile because of the weight of his cheeks pulling down the corners of his mouth. It was out of control.

If I get one that looks anything like that I swear I will never leave the house.