Stay-at-home feminism

Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering. - Elaine Heffner

It seems I'm making two "serious" posts in a row here. Sorry. I don't plan on making this THAT kind of blog. But I've been thinking about how my role will be changing, and it's brought up some things that I haven’t put a lot of thought into until now.

Women's Work
My mom has always told me that one of the best decisions I could ever make is to "stay home with the kids". (That's her in the photo. Cute eh?) She did it, and it wasn't easy. We were on the WIC program (Women Infants and Children) and lived on my dad's Christian School teacher salary. At one point he worked three jobs to get us through. I know, waah waah, but I bet it sucked. I guess they decided it was worth it.

Like I said before, Jono and I want to do whatever we can to have one of us stay home with them when they're little, and do all of the other work that will need to be done. Since we've decided that person will be me, sometimes I feel like I'll become that traditional "housewife", cooking, cleaning and child-rearing. The thought of it seems kind of anti-feminist. Like maybe I'm throwing away what women fought for for so long.

A couple of different ideas are helping me get over this feeling. Back in college, my friend Suzanna said something about that once that stayed with me. "I'm all for feminism," she said, "as long as domestic work isn't seen as 'less than' other work." She thought it was ridiculous that some feminists can't stand the thought of doing traditionally "female tasks" that have been done by our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers for generations.

I think I know where that comes from, and it's not the nature of the cooking/cleaning tasks. Here's an example: at family gatherings when the women cook and clean up in the kitchen while the men eat and then sit, I don't like the feeling it gives me. I don't think it's the fact that the women are doing a particular type of work that bothers me, but the fact that they do it all. It's not the men who are at fault so much as the women in my view, who simply take on the tasks with no expectation of help. This forms habits in other people that cause the cycle to continue. (I'll admit that when I think my mom will take care of everything I usually end up on the couch with everyone else.)

Getting Over It
I think women are too quick to be "martyrs" -- they give too much until they're stretched too thin, and then nobody's happy. It's that old nurture hormone we have running through our veins; some more than others. I know this doesn't just apply to women since I'm married to someone who can't sit down, and neither can his dad. So I'm not implying men are intrinsically lazy in the home because that hasn't been my experience. I've just seen it happen in other households and I've seen the cycles and frustration it creates.

The point is, I guess, that "women's work" is just as important as what has traditionally been "men's work". The difference today is that now the two are interchangeable, which I think is true progress. If you're a feminist, I think it makes more sense not to hold one above the other. Let's just help each other do each other's work and get over it.

We've Finally Made It
But back to people, their careers and the desire to "make it" on a certain level before you can get on with life and enjoy yourself (whether that be raising your family or something else)...Just getting the work of life done has been enough for almost everyone the world over since the beginning of time, not just women. Why are we so different? It doesn't mean we can't be intellectual or make good music or whatever else we feel like investing ourselves in.

After being in the workforce for a few years, I need to stop measuring success by how much money a certain activity can make for me, or what sort of status it affords me. It's important, but it doesn't mean everything. And having that attitude doesn't make me less "driven" or less successful. By working at home I'm choosing not to be driven by certain things and to redefine my priorities.

If anyone wants to leave comments about their experience with the costs/benefits of having a career vs. staying home with kids, I'd love to read them :)